I’m Nanny Jen. Today we are going to be tackling the topic of nannying through a martial end. And what I mean by this is that you, the nanny, have been the family’s nanny while they were an intact family, but all of a sudden they are splitting up, and they’ve asked you to stay. This is different than being a nanny to a family which is already separated but maybe not legally divorced, different from being a nanny to a divorced family that is dating or possibly adding additional individuals via remarriage, and different from being a nanny of a high interparental conflict family that maybe ought to get divorced. In this case, we are talking about nannying right through that exact transition to intact to separated family.
I firmly believe that to be the best nannies we possibly can be means to consider the challenges we are likely to face and ensure that we have the wherewithal to face those challenges. So today’s topic is really about what those challenges are likely to be. Forewarned is forearmed, after all.
[Parenting Mojo clip]
And to help us navigate this, so it isn’t just my dry voice speaking to you endlessly, we are bringing in audio from an excellent, data driven, research-based parenting podcast called Your Parenting Mojo. If you ever want to know what the scholarship is on a particular parenting topic and want it derived audio style so that you can keep your eyes on your charges, they’ve got you covered.
[Parenting Mojo Intro]
As they say in that podcast:
[Parenting Mojo goal statement.]
[Risk factor introduction.]
The Parenting Mojo podcast doesn’t ever directly name and define each of these risk factors, but their amazing bibliography, linked in our show notes, does lead to the primary sources which do, all of which have the name of a particular Dr. Hetherington associated with them. So I went to her book on the topic for the most authoritative list.
[Parenting Mojo explanation]
Before I begin reading out the risk factors, I will tell you that a lot of these research references are hidden behind paywalls, and for good reason: good research, good editing, and good publishing requires funds. So if you are not a person associated with an academic institution like a university of your own, you will get access to, at most, the abstracts, and in some cases just the citations. BUT HAVE NO FEAR, there is a way around this!
Within scholarly circles, there is such a thing as a gratis (that means free) “reprint request”. Let me repeat those two words for you, because they, in combination, unlock a free copy of the scholarship. Reprint request.
You simply send those magical words in to the person identified in the citation as the corresponding author, who won’t just be named but will also be given an email or mailing address for you to send the magical words to. On the episode show notes at NannyCast.com you will be able to find a screen shot of one of the reprint requests I sent in.
As soon as the reprint request is received, you’ll get a free and complete copy of the scholarly article or book chapter. Winning!
[Parenting Mojo risk factor explanation]
These risk factors are considered those which would make successful parenting and the development of competent children more difficult, but that doesn’t mean impossible. Again, forewarned is forearmed. They are as follows:
economic decline,
loss of friends due to residential changes,
a neighborhood with reduced civic resources (as the poorer ones tend to have),
inadequate schools,
delinquent peer groups,
lack of social supports,
conflict between parents,
conflict between family and parents for the decision to separate,
parental depression,
inept parenting which is non-authoritative (meaning it is either permissive or authoritarian),
and diminished contact with one parent.
[Parenting Mojo]
Now, because we are nannies and we are the most expensive form of childcare there is, the economic decline et al factors need to be foremost in our mind. After a divorce, the funds used to run a single household now have to run two separate households and so are less available for our salaries. Give a listen back to NannyCast Episode 9, which you can still find on our website at NannyCast.com under the “episodes” tab, since it has likely dropped off your podcast feed, for how to start already structuring the conversation about possibly needing to find alternative employment for financial reasons.
Still, because we are nannies and are the most expensive form of childcare there is, that means that our employers are considerably wealthy, which means that economic decline won’t be as drastic as that cited in the literature so we can ignore that as a risk factor for our charges, so too we can ignore a neighborhood with reduced civic resources because they’ll still live in a wealthy neighborhood. And we can ignore inadequate schools because they are still going to be wealthy…just slightly less than before.
We are then left with a loss of friends due to moving, a lack of social supports, parental depression, diminished contact with one parent, inept parenting, and all kinds of inter-family conflict—
[Parenting Mojo Clip]
So, when I was facing this exact situation and had been asked to stay on, I evaluated how peaceful and peaceable I thought the inter-parental relationship would be post-divorce. In my case, I stayed because in the run-up to the moment of family structure change, I’d seen evidence that the parents involved already had great methods of being those quick conflict resolution folks, and further I’d heard each individually express to me their desire to commit to a positive coparenting relationship, even though their marriage was a poor fit for them for other reasons.
Plus, they never, ever fought in front of the kids.
[Parenting Mojo Clip]
If you have seen your soon-to-be divorced employers fight in front of the children, or if they are already trying to put you in the middle of the separation that seems already to be trying and arduous, this may be a very good time to heavily consider leaving, as these behaviors bolster that risk factor and you, as a nanny, superwoman or superman that you are, are just one person and single-handedly unable to counteract that.
[Parenting Mojo Clip]
So, now let’s continue on as if you have decided to stay on. They can still afford your wages, and seem to be headed for a low-conflict divorce. The rest of these risk factors don’t appear until the single household has become two separate households. Let’s talk about parental depression.
[Parenting Mojo Clip]
And you cannot just say to your employers, “Don’t get depressed!” It is likely inevitable. Endings are sad. So this simply means to strap in and be prepared for a period of sadness in the child as well, as they will become psychological copycats of their parents for a bit.
[Parenting Mojo Clip]
Which we have already discussed.
[Parenting Mojo Clip]
I have noticed that the parents I see tend to switch to a more permissive style. Because the child isn’t around all the time, they get away with much more when they are present with the parent, which adds additional challenges for nannies much like having permissive extended family come to town does. But you know what fellow professionals? We’ve got this. We do this regularly as part of our job because grandparents and aunts and uncles and treasured cousins consider spoiling our charges (aka permissive parenting) to be part of their job.
[Parenting Mojo Clip]
And that parenting is partially from us, as well. As nannies, we are members of the parenting team and engage in the same nurturing and guidance that a biological parent does. We don’t have the hormonal load that comes with having produced the child of our own bodies, but that doesn’t mean we won’t teach a child to be kind to others.
[Parenting Mojo Clip]
In addition, for most nannies, not falling into this cycle of negative reinforcement is exactly what is part of our job expectations. So where biological parents can get away with it from time to time, we can get away with it much less frequently. As such, check out some of the strategies from NannyCast episode 30 which was on nanny burn out. Those self-care strategies work here, as well.
[Parenting Mojo Clip]
And speaking of forewarned is forearmed, here are some of the things we might get to help not-negatively-reinforcement-cycle parent a child through— moving, new neighborhood, and a new school.
[Parenting Mojo Clip]
But that is really for older school aged children.
[Parenting Mojo Clip]
While a child not going to preschool doesn’t sound that out of the norm, even for an intact family, and a sleep strike isn’t unheard of, still, knowing that a divorce could be factoring in helps a caregiver be extra kind in moments of anxiety about abandonment as forewarned is forearmed.
[Parenting Mojo Clip]
That particular sad outcome is something requiring a nanny’s unconditional love, but also a professional therapist’s guiding hand. This is too big for one nanny to address on their own.
[Parenting Mojo Clip]
And again, authoritatively parent the child and love them unconditionally. This is too big for one nanny to solve on their own and may be beyond the powers of the entire parenting team and even beyond the powers of therapist professionals. You don’t play in to the fantasy, but when you come up agains the inability to convince them otherwise, you pick a different battle and let that be. Forewarned is forearmed.
And speaking of that, for bitty, bitty babies …
[Parenting Mojo Clip]
So now we know and we won’t overreact. And in addition, we can even tell the parents so that we look like we are all the way on top of our professional development and child development game. Go us!
And in terms of setting appropriate expectations…It gets better.
[Parenting Mojo Clip]
Stick with that family for three years and you’ll be on easy street. Woo!
[Clip]
I know that sounded like a wrap up, but let me add one additional bit of information for you. We’ve talked about risk factors, and we’ve talked about behaviors to be prepared to encounter, but let’s end on a good note and talk about protective factors.
Protective factors are factors in a child’s life that protects them from the worst case scenario. Most of these are self-explanatory but I’ll read you the list so you can start realizing how many fo these your family has in place which ought to be waving green flags about you staying on through this turbulent three years to come.
Okay, now we can end! Go forth and make the best decision you can right now about your continued employment to your work family. No one will blame you for walking away, especially if the risk factors are a plenty, but even if they aren’t, if you know you aren’t right for the new task ahead, you are doing the right thing to get out of there before you fall into a negative feedback cycle of parenting. If you are staying on, you aren’t alone! Online nanny support groups can help you connect with local nannies in similar positions so that you can have a healthy venting session about some of the frustrations you are yet to encounter, so that you can keep your mental health stable and be the best nanny possible. Remember, online is not the place for venting, it is the place for finding a person to grab coffee with. In person is the place for venting. Not only is it more effective, but it prevents the drama llama trolls from eating you for lunch.
Until next time, happy divorce!
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